An Alternate Triangle
by loserbat
Summary: The truth about Joren. What you always suspected but never knew for sure. It's good for a laugh, I think. Basically, a N/K/J triangle. Better than it sounds. Please read! And it's in Neal's POV. It's kinda stupid. I was in a weird mood.


A/N: This is my first Tamora Pierce fic. I know it's a bad start into this fandon, but whatever. I've been toying with this idea for months. I know it's gonna be twisted and weird and stupid, but I'm hoping it's kinda funny. This is how my mind works. Deal with it. All I want is some feedback. Flames, good stuff, anything! Just some sort of response. PLEASE!! And sorry if you're scarred forever. Anyway, on with the story.  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine except for parts of Joren's alter-ego, Jorenlocks. "Dysentery Gary" belongs to Blink 182, again not to me. That said, just read it!  
  
  
  
An Alternate Triangle  
  
  
  
(Neal's POV)  
  
Got a lotta heart ache  
He's a fucking weasel  
His issues me my mind ache  
Want to make a deal  
  
Joren of Stone Mountain. Despicable name. Joren a.k.a. the creature who ripped all my hopes into tiny little pieces. Take note that I say creature and not human. That nasty little wretch doesn't deserve to be called a human. Or even a creature… cause creatures are cute… especially bunnies… little fluffy bunnies with eyes as red as roses… and calling Joren a creature is an insult to bunnies. Anyway, this vile thing, for lack of a more appropriate word… (Monstrosity might be good…hm… nah, thing is better) has stolen Keladry from me. My own best friend… The object of my affection… The beautiful ray of sunshine in my dark and dreary existenece… stop laughing you heartless readers! No appreciation for colorful language. Fine, fine, my crush. Does that make you happier? Good. Now will you let me move on?  
  
  
Cause I love your little motions  
You do with your pigtails  
What a nice creation  
Worth another night in jail  
  
  
Keladry…Kel. My best friend since the day I met her.. The girl I told all my problems to, who made me eat all those horrid green things that are "good for you" (fine, vegetables). The girl I'm pretty sure had a crush on me. She was always there, no matter how many court ladies (pretty court ladies… pretty) I swooned over (yes swooned, leave me be). That's how it should have been, until we were both ready. Yes, she's beautiful, smart, actually puts up with me, and whatnot, but come on, she was 14 and I was 19… still too young. But in a couple of years it would have worked quiet well. It was meant to be. It was written in the stars, the destiny of two star crossed lovers… I said STOP MOCKING ME! Let me be poetic!   
  
  
He's a player, diarrhea giver,  
tried to grow his hair out  
When friends were listening to slayer  
  
  
Unfortunately that thing who calls himself a man, had to intercept our beautiful balance by declaring his love. For her, not for himself, which would actually make much more sense. Taking fate and destiny into his own hands. The poor, evil, heartless bastard spawn of the Black God. The boy thought he could take from me… I'll show him. Oh I will….  
  
  
I would like to find him Friday night  
Hanging out with mom  
and trying on his fathers tights  
Life just sucks, I lost the one,  
I've giving up she found someone  
There's plenty more, girls are such a drag  
  
  
Why would Kel fall for the thing? He's tortured her ever since the beginning, he's been with many partners, he's got an evil soul (fine, no soul). He's not even handsome… he's pretty. Long blonde hair, blue eyes, rosy little pink cheeks, a horsetail; yeah, he's beautiful alright. Actually resembles Goldilocks both in looks and in their acts of sneakiness and robbery. Jorenlocks and the Three Bears. (Yes I know who Goldilocks is! No commenting!)  
  
*He'd look really cute in that pretty little dress…*   
  
*NO! DON'T THINK THAT, YOU TREACHEROUS BRAIN!*  
  
*But he would… the dress would have to be bright blue to bring out his eyes… And borrow his father's pretty stockings…*  
  
*I SAID STOP!*  
  
Ok, back to where we were. The thing and Kel. There's gotta be a way to make her realize that she's dating another girl (probably anatomically a girl too)… and see who's really good for her…   
  
  
So all you little ladies  
Be sure to choose the right guys  
You'll come back to me maybe  
I'll shower you with lies  
  
  
Heh heh heh! I believe I might be reeling Kel in! She caught Joren in lip paint… and no it hadn't rubbed off from hers! And of course she came running to me… trusty old me. The best friend, the platonic best friend. Neal the sexless, who only falls for people with face paint and enhanced cleavage… That's not who I am! And she knows that now. My eternal talking worked for once. I said all the sweet things I could think of (most were true… I think) and it looks like I might be headed to being more than a friend. Let's just say that I have some of Joren's lip paint now too…   
  
  
Got a lotta heart ache  
He's a fucking weasel  
Decisions make my mind ache  
Want to make a deal  
  
  
No no no!! I was almost in! Why? Why must the thing choose that moment to walk in? I have a right to kiss Kel too! Oy, did I say that aloud? Damn. So what if I was engaiging in more than friendly activities with his girlfriend (not that you perverts! I have my dignity, and Kel's a lady… damn you people are evil)? Of course, he said some crap that was understanding and kind, something resembling girl-talk and Kel ran over to him and broke my poor tender heart once more! Damn my luck!  
  
  
Ease away the problems and the pain  
The girl chose the one guy who makes you want to kick and scream  
All along, you wish that she would stay  
Fuck the guy who took and ran away  
  
  
I've become a stalker. I'm an obsessive freak by now. I'm standing outside her door. Listenening (No they're not having sex! Filthy minds! Why must you think so lowly of me… don't answer.) . Of all the disgusting things to do… My virgin ears! My poor virgin ears!   
  
*Walk away you freak!*  
  
*I kinda like this…*  
  
*That's why I'm the rational, nice voice in here and you're the insane disgusting one!*  
  
*Shut up! I can't hear*  
  
Damn voices again… sorry about that. They've stopped. Now all I hear is girly giggling. Somehow I don't think that's good. More giggling and a door shutting, sounds safe now. I'll go in. Now where is that key again…  
  
  
He's a player, diarrhea giver, tried to grow his hair out  
When friends were listening to slayer  
I would like to find him Friday night  
Hanging out with mom and trying on his father's tights  
  
  
"AH!! HELP!!!!!! My virgin eyes! Of all the horribly disgusting things to have to witness…" the image is burnt in my brain for eternity. How will I ever sleep again?  
  
On the other hand: heh heh heh heh heh! Now I have proof! Jorenlocks is real! And she happens to be wearing a deep blue gown with gold trimmings and a gold bodice. Utterly disturbing, but Joren looks better in a dress than in breeches… damn he's got feminine curves! Wait a sec, that's Kel's dress! Oh gods, he's wearing his girlfriends clothing… and is that face paint? AH! It is! Joren's a girl! Or at least a transvestite. And Kel now knows… and is extremely pissed off at how her dress is being used. She ran out because she thought somebody was being murdered… did I scream that loud?   
  
"Ahh… that scarlet color looks lovely against the dress Jorenlocks" I can't help myself. Let a man gloat for a while. Plus it's always nice to see Jorenlocks run away screaming like a child… and still wearing the dress. A little touch of public humiliation never hurt anybody.   
  
Anyway… nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! Kel's mine now… she admits the fling with Jorenlocks was a mistake. I knew she really loved me!  
  
*Damn she's a good kisser*  
  
(Joren's POV)   
  
Fuck this place, I lost the war, I hate you all,  
Your mom's a whore  
Where's my dog?  
Girls are such a drag  
  
  
*Damn Keladry! The whore! Hey wait, there's something better right there…*  
  
"Oh Jump…"  
  
  
  
A/N: Use the blue (purple, green, orange, black, red), fine the COLURFUL box to tell me you hate it. Or liked it.   
  
  



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